Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. - Tom Mullen

NOTHING COULD BE MORE DEVASTATING TO A MARRIAGE than infidelity by any of the spouses. Financial problems, career conflicts, disagreements in methods of disciplining the children and many more family issues can contribute to cracks in the relationship but they are not enough reasons to cause the marriage to split up. For all that a marriage is worth, only a third party can completely break a marriage and wreck a home and family that both spouses have painstakingly put together through the years.

And how does infidelity rear its ugly head within the marriage? Why would a spouse violate the sanctity of marriage because of another woman or man? Could it be lust? Could it be a need that the other partner failed to meet? Whatever the reason is – there is no justification for infidelity.  Yes, it may be common for an unfaithful husband to point an accusing finger to the wife, and say, “It’s your entire fault. You pushed me to go into a relationship with another woman. You were never sensitive of my needs. You never have time for me. You demand a lot and I can’t afford to give you everything.”

Yet all these are rationalizations that fall short of principles. The erring husband is only trying to justify (rather unsuccessfully) his immoral act by stressing on the mistakes of the wife. But despite all these, the wife must remain steadfast and should bear in mind: Inasmuch as the husband is the one who is at fault, the problem is not with her, but with him. Therefore if there is no other recourse but to separate – the aggrieved wife must stand up, dust herself off – hold her head high and say – “I’m better off without you. Good riddance. I may cry today but tomorrow is another day.”

Words of wisdom from a friend: All of us have our own disappointments in life. One day we just might wake up and start thinking we married the wrong person. We may even fall out of love with our spouses. Then we meet someone who we believe is the answer to the secret longing of our hearts. And we are convinced we are in love – and that we have not felt this kind of love before, even with our spouses. But we look around and find the family we have built together. Must we abandon them in exchange for this selfish feeling?

“There is nothing new in life. All of us have hang-ups, frustrations and longings. But at the end of the day – we just have to do our roles right. What is the use of satisfying our lust and infatuations, if guilt will hound us to our grave?”

WHEN Baguio City commemorated its centennial anniversary as a chartered city last week, there was a marked lack of gaiety among the residents.  This is quite ironic because anniversaries are supposed to be joyful celebrations since they signify longevity and endurance which are enough reasons to celebrate.

There was a parade, a centennial run, an elegant dinner for the city’s members of the upper class and a fireworks display to highlight the occasion. But in the midst of it all, there was a sweeping gloom and an absence of mirth and fun.

I lived in Baguio City for more than seven years during the Marcos era at which time I studied and worked.  I felt lucky because I was able to experience a tranquil way of life in cool surroundings. I so loved the distinct pine scent that diffused in the air, exhilarating my lungs with clean uncontaminated oxygen each time I would go on long walks along South Drive, a road beside Camp John Hay where tall pine trees used to be plentiful.  Traffic was not a problem then even along Session Road, the city’s main thoroughfare. As far as I can remember, bumper to bumper traffic situation only occurred on Holy Weeks when visitors would come in multitudes to take a break from the sweltering heat in the lowlands.  Baguio then was like Shangrila – a dream place where everyone wanted to be.

But much like any other urban place in the Philippines, Baguio did not succeed in combating the disparaging effects of urbanization. Through the 100 years of its existence since its foundation as a chartered city, population growth was uncontrolled. Lack of effective planning and implementation of zoning laws, not to mention corruption and too much commerce had caused the city to be in a frenzied state that it is in now.  While it is believed age should come with grace, dignity and undying charm – Baguio in its 100 years of urban status, has aged disgracefully and with much want of dignity.  It is of no wonder then why Baguio people can’t truly feel proud and jubilant as Baguio City turns 100 years old.

What should be done or “undone” to restore the beauty of the summer capital?  What will be entailed to scrape the ugly dots on the city’s face? By ugly dots I mean the structures that sprouted on hillsides and on every inhabitable nook within and outside the city proper.  It’s a problem that previous city officials saw happening before their very eyes; yet they did nothing to nip it before it grew monstrously. Ah, hopefully, as Baguio starts to count years on its 2^nd centenary, solutions will be found as to how it can repair itself.

I REALLY DON’T KNOW how to begin. It’s been like ages since I last posted an entry in my blog.

So many things have happened for the past weeks and months and I am caught in the dizzying pace of everyday living that every time I attempt to blog, I usually end up staring blankly at my laptop screen.

There are ups and there are downs. There are decisive and indecisive moments. There are choices to make, promises to keep and responsibilities to complete.  Not only a few times have I considered backing out from several challenges and sometimes I feel like God must be mad at me when trials come one after another.

But I persist and keep intoning the positivist mantra: “Things will get better.”And certainly – things are starting to look up.

So life goes on and I’m thankful for the gift that is. Hopefully I will soon be able to surface for a breath of fresh air and resume regular blogging.

HOW could I have missed greeting you my dear blog friends and readers on two most important occasions: Christmas and New Year? My bad. But the past holidays caught me with all the dizzying activities, family gatherings and of course the presence of all my three kids. Anyhow, it’s better late than never; therefore allow me to extend my best wishes to everyone for the new year – the Year of the Ox.

May year 2009 bring us all excellent health, success and happiness! I don’t want to say that 2008 was bad so I can wish that 2009 will be a good one. For me, each year is good and every new  year will be better.  Now, isn’t this outlook ideal for positive invite? Cheers!

Wishing
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Do you wish the World were better?
Let me tell you what to do:

Set a watch upon your actions,
Keep them always straight and true.
Rid your mind of selfish motives,
Let your thoughts be clean and high.
You can make a little Eden
Of the sphere you occupy.

Do you wish the World were wiser?
Then suppose you make a start,

By accumulating wisdom
In the scrap book of your heart
. Do not waste one page on folly;
Live to learn and learn to live.
If you want to give men knowledge
You must get it ere you give.

Do you wish the World were happy?
Then remember day by day,

Just to scatter seeds of kindness,
As you pass along the way.
For the pleasures of the many,
May be oft times traced to one.
As the hand that plants an acorn,
Shelters armies from the sun

I WAS chatting with my daughter on YM a while back and she made me listen to this beautiful song by Nicole Nordeman.

Gratitude
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
‘Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case . . .

(Chorus)
We’ll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger’s view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case . . .

(Chorus)
We’ll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that’s the case . . .

(Chorus)
We’ll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . . .

(UPBaguio oblation photographed by Marco)

STILL DECIDING on whether or not to attend the alumni homecoming of UP Baguio  on December 5, Friday. This affair is the culminating activity of the college in line with the University’s centennial celebration.

WHO would be there? I am hoping to see old friends, former classmates, dorm mates, teachers … oh, but it would be quite difficult now to match the names and the faces after many, many years.

Popular actress-model Angel Aquino, also a UP Baguio graduate, will surely be there.

But the one I am so looking forward to, really, in this reunion – is the art exhibit called “Pagpupugay kay Darnay”, UP Baguio Fine Arts professor whose works I greatly admire.

I copy pasted the following announcement from the college website in case some UP Baguio alumni happen to wander around and land on my blog:

“We are calling on all FA graduates and former students of UP Baguio to donate one or two of their artworks to honor Prof. Darnay Demetillo. These works will be on exhibit and auction on December 5, 2008, coinciding with the Alumni Homecoming and the Inauguration of the College of Arts and Communication Building. Proceeds from the sales of works will go to the construction of the Fine Arts Workshop beside the new building. Pres. Emerlinda Roman and Prof. Darnay Demetillo will formally open the exhibit at 9 am on December 5, at the CAC Building.”

So, what do you think, friends….. shall I go? 

(Sources for photos 2 and 3: UP Baguio website)

I am not usually the prying type of neighbor. I maintain friendly relations with my neighbors, but not to the point where I would go “neighboring” and make “chika”. I want to leave them to their privacy in the same way that I too, want them to leave me in mine.

Much as I want to mind my own business, my next house neighbor, however, never fails to catch my attention everyday. I don’t have to go in front of their gate to get a glimpse of what is going on inside their house. But I do hear a lot – yes, “hear” – unintentionally, that is….

This neighbor is the extended family type where the parents live with their children with children. Yes, families with families. The youngest daughter, about in her late 20s, is married and has two young children, aged 5 and 3. Okay, so fellow moms out there can draw the picture of the situation: raising children in pre-school stage.

Everyday, from early morning to early evening… I hear the mother yelling, scolding, screaming… followed by little cries, shrieks, sobs… There was never a time when I heard the mother say “smooching” words to her children. “Walang kalambing-lambing!” (No affection at all). I never ever heard her say to her kids… anak ko.. (my child)… honey, sweetheart, darling.. or any terms of endearment that mothers usually use when talking to their children.

I have noticed too, that the older child, a boy, is becoming more and more stubborn and hard headed as he is growing older. And, to this, I would hear the young mother blurt: “Ang tigas tigas ng ulo mo! Wala ka nang ginawang magaling!” (You are so hard headed, you never did anything right!)

Oh wow! I want to send this mother to a Child Psychology class so she can learn the rudiments of child rearing. By always telling the poor child of his misdemeanor, stubbornness – and criticizing him always – the mother is so leading the child’s mind into believing that indeed – he is such a jerk! I have no wonder if the child grows up to be a self hating individual with very low self esteem, and a lot of hatred to the world as well.

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism,
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with
acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find
love in the world.

I don’t claim to be an authority in Child Psychology. The only background in Pyschology that I can boast of is my three units in General Psychology in college.

As I was raising my growing children years before, (my two sons now in their 20s and daughter in her teens), I realized that having background in Child Psychology is very important. Well, virtually speaking, mothering does not need college education or units in Psychology, but it helps, believe me… it helps a lot.

Raising two boys with only two years age gap was for me – hell, really! Sibling rivalry was very tough between them and they were so full of energy and stamina and would always challenge my patience as they ran about the house, without caring whether they knocked off a vase or muddied the polished floor. And oh!There were lots of fighting! Physical, verbal and psy wars! Their fights were easily ignited even by the simplest things such as a remark… like… “Beh, mas maganda ang laruan ko…” (Hey, I have a nicer toy.) And when the other boy retorted, “Ang yabang mo!” (You are boastful!) – then war was officially declared.

It was such a draining experience and stage in my life as a mother. No matter how you try to keep discipline among boys, it can’t be helped that boys will always be boys. Our house was a war zone, literally! But in such situations, screaming and yelling couldn’t help because by yelling and shouting, I was like joining in the war! And to be effective in dousing the flame, I had  to be cool, composed and rational.

When I thought I could not handle my two boys effectively anymore, I bought a book entitled “How to raise a child with love”. I read it page by page, and found useful techniques on how to appease fighting kids, how to declare a time out when everyone is in heat, how to break a fight by physical alienation in which you let them stay in different parts of the house until you say so otherwise. I also found out that when kids whine, cry or complain endlessly and unnecessarily, it is their way to catch attention. So, it is best that – unless there is really a compelling reason – mothers don’t fret or pay too much attention when their kids are in such mood.

Moms have to be tough but at the same time loving to their kids. Misbehavior should never be tolerated, but of course, there is a better way of pointing it out on the children other than by yelling and shouting at them.

Now, with kids who always fight, – oh boy, they can really give a headache. Moms only have to deal with them without losing their cool. This stage will pass. My two boys used to fight a lot when they were in grade school. But it diminished gradually when they were in high school. Right now, they are good buddies. Sibling rivalry is – to my belief – a passing stage. It should be outgrown. Otherwise, if the rivalry continues on… there must really be something seriously wrong with the siblings’ relationship, and how their parents raised them.

My advice to starter-mothers out there – read articles, books on child psychology. To have know-how in this area does not really require classroom learning. There are a lot information about this, like in the internet. Most of all, however, learn not just the theories, but their application in whatever situation you are in. Application is not automatic though, as you need patience and perseverance to really test the effectiveness of the techniques. And try not to use varied techniques in similar situations because this can confuse the child and you won’t be able to come up with positive results – hence a waste of effort.

ONE of the things that I get engrossed with when online is searching for music videos on YouTube.   And what do you know, to my great surprise, I found a video of my eldest child Marco playing “My Romance” on his guitar which I think he recorded sometime last year.

Marco started learning to play the guitar alone when he was 12 years old.  He taught himself the chords using borrowed Jingle chord book magazines. When he was a kid, I  made him take summer lessons in art and computer but I don’t remember him taking any guitar lessons from any professional guitarist.  However,  fueled by sheer determination and intense enthusiasm to be able to play lead like a pro, he successfully developed a remarkable playing skill – all by himself.  Makes me a proud mama.

Here’s the video of my son romancing his guitar.

My son,  by the way, is a member of a band named “Sanity Kit” where he is the lead guitarist. They perform in gigs here and there in Metro Manila and sometimes in Baguio City, usually on weekends when all the members are free from their day jobs. Shameless plugging : Marco is a free lance graphic/web designer with a four year experience behind him.  He can be located/contacted by clicking this link:  THE SITE GUY

I REMEMBER  when my first born son was in high school, he would be very upset every time his dad and I dropped by to pick him up after school, or – whenever I made unannounced visits to talk to his teachers or the principal to see how he was doing in his studies. I would also feel upset over his being upset, because I wondered – why on earth would he not like us to come by his school? Besides, I thought, I used to do that when he was in grade school, and he was okay with it – and in fact even wanted me to be around him most times especially during school activities.

Then I found out the reason – he was being tagged by his classmates as a “MAMA’S BOY”!

Perhaps I got carried away by my being a doting mom. I forgot – my boy was already an adolescent, and being seen by his peers with his parents – particularly his mother – was like a “death sentence”. He was in that awkward stage when he was just starting to grow up and assert himself as a man though not yet one.

After learning about his predicament, I tried to put a distance between him and me and I avoided going to his school except only during card days and other occasions when parents were needed.

At first, I felt sad that my eldest child did not seem to need me anymore. But I was awakened to the reality that parents – no matter how much they want to hold their kids in their arms longer – will eventually wind up being by themselves again – when the children, one by one shall have moved on to start lives of their own.

I am consoled however that despite my boy’s apparent independence, he doesn’t veer away from his family. He may have lived away from us since he was in first year college, but I trust his heart will always be with us back home. Well, it felt good that he came rushing home one day when he was feeling sick to seek comfort…. He called me for advice when he needed to decide between two job offers….

And – I believe that now, at 26, he doesn’t mind anymore if he is called Mama’s boy. I do hope though that the Mama in his mind is still me and not his ‘Mama’-girlfriend. LOL!